October 30, 2011

The Lord reigns in everything...

For the past couple years my family has watched a family member gradually walk away from the Lord. We did not just sit back and watch pretending nothing was happening. I just think we did not realize the severity of it. I think we thought this would pass, that maybe this was just a time of doubt that they had to work out on their own. Only until recently do I think we really saw how big this was and is. Sadly, the Lord is not present in their life and they are deciding that they don't want that kind of life right now. In a way, I have abandoned this relationship because I did not understand how to be in it. I have taken a step back praying how to approach this relationship. The Lord has revealed some things to me.

What I want to know though is, why didn't we do anything? Why did we just let them figure it out on their own? Why didn't we walk through this with them? It makes me really rethink about how I deal with people who are struggling with their relationship with the Lord. In the past, I have taken the approach that I can't fix their relationship with the Lord and they need to wrestle with it on their own. But now I don't think I like that approach. Maybe we can actually have an influence on the people who are walking through this. Instead of condemning them for their doubts maybe we should walk through it with them. Meaning, if they are looking at other religions, look with them. Why not research with them and talk out and wrestle every deep question. Instead of trying to prove the Bible's truth, why not disproved every other religion and then bring them to Truth? Instead of condemning them for their questions, why not journey with them? I just wonder if I had done this and truly supported them through their questions and guided them gently to the truth or even showed them the lies of other religions, would that have made a difference? I will not know if it does, but I know it is never too late to start.

I also realized that my testimony of faith can never be devalued or discounted. By this I mean, Instead of judging them for lack of faith, why am I not sharing my faith. Why am I not sharing what the Lord is doing in my life? So through lots of prayer and battles with the Lord, He has finally showed me what I am to do about this. I am to write letters (yes, through snail mail). I am not to condemn them for their lack of faith or for their lifestyle. I am not to mention anything about their faith or their questions they are wrestling with. I am simply to write letters speaking about how Christ is transforming and changing my life. I am to speak of where He is present in my life and where I feel I am struggling to see Him. I am to speak of my doubts and my questions. I am to be vulnerable and open about my relationship with the Lord. I am not to paint a picture of a undoubtful and perfect relationship. I am to show my real and true relationship with the Lord. I am to love them and speak truth to them through my testimony. I have full confidence this is what the Lord is asking of me right now. I am so excited to start and so excited to speak the Truth.

When the Lord revealed this to me, I was so excited! The Lord sent me a peace. Before I was burdened about this situation and so saddened. But now I feel peace. The Lord has granted me peace. The Lord showed me that His hand is present in their life and I am not to worry. The Lord reigns in every part of their life. I believe that. I believe the Lord will not ever let go of them. I have faith in the Lord's promise. I will cling to this Peace, always.

If anyone is reading this, I have one request: pray. Please pray. I have had only one prayer and I will hold to it until the Lord wins their heart back. My prayer scares me a little bit though because the Lord is faithful to answering prayers, but our salvation is more important that anything. I have been praying, "Do whatever it takes. Do whatever it takes to bring them back to you, Lord."

September 23, 2011

Nothing to say. Lost for words.

I find that some days I get hit with a major reality check really fast, often faster than I am ready for. Today was one of those days. I have been hit with the question of "do I truly have a relationship with the Lord?" If you are wondering what the answer is, well it's no. I thought I did up until today when I realized that I have been trying to have a relationship with the Lord. But my heart is not in it right now because my heart is in a million pieces. I believe it is impossible to have a relationship with the Lord when your heart is absent. I have had a rough relationship with the Lord for the past couple years. I have so many names and events in my head right now that I want to blame for this instability. I have so many reasons and excuses for why my relationship is the way it is right now.

But I know better than that. I know that no one and no event should have the power to determine my relationship with the Lord. But sadly, I think it does. I think I have allowed my relationship with the Lord to be determined my these outside factors. I find my mind wondering back to the "glory days" of my relationship with the Lord. I think about the days when my faith showed in every circumstance no matter what. My faith became what I was known for. I remember what it felt and looked like to have a relationship with the Lord. But all those times were connected to one place: my church. My faith grew so much with my time at the church. But once I graduated from High School everything changed and pain took over. A lot of damage was done during my senior year by some people and some events and I think it instantly shut my heart down. The Lord cannot reach a closed heart. I think since then I have been searching to find a relationship with the Lord that is not associated with this place where my pain still feels so real. I think it is heartbreaking that a place, event, or people can cause someone to not want to have the same relationship with the Lord that they had before. I think I have been in pursuit of a relationship with the Lord that maybe is right in front of me. I was hit with this reality today. The thing is I do want a relationship with the Lord actually so badly that I have been literally crying out to the Lord to help me. I have been praying in desperation that the Lord would restore me and draw me close to Him. Yet after months of this, I hear absolutely nothing. To be completely honest I think I have been turned off of my faith because these things that happened my senior year were all associated with the church. All the people were pastors who had personal relationships with the Lord.

Is it possible that my heart could still be so shattered that I can't find my way to the Lord? Is it possible for me to say that I have so much pain that I do not know how to be with the Lord? It is possible for me, who has been a Christian all my life, to need to start new with the Lord? Is it possible that I feel so broken that I do not know how to pray or what that looks like? Is it possible for the Lord to pursue me and restore me? How broken does my heart have to be before the Lord wipes away my tears? I know the Lord can restore my broken heart, but can He wash away the pain that binds my heart? Will the Lord meet me right where I am?

My mind is spinning with questions. Some questions I have faith and believe are true and some I honestly doubt. I only have questions right now. I have no answers. I have no solutions. I only have a broken heart, waiting and hoping that the Lord with piece back together and bind with His heart, not my pain.

July 26, 2011

The Testing of Abraham.

My Lord is good. I went to church on Sunday night and the sermon was amazing. Then there was extended worship at the end where I had time to truly reflect. I needed the with the Lord so badly. The Lord has no problem giving me what I ask for. I have been praying that the Lord would give me courage to surrender my boyfriend to Him. I have been praying that the Lord would teach me to rely and trust in Him. Most of all I have been praying that God would release the strong holds I have wrapped around my heart involving my boyfriend. During my time in worship I continued to pray these prayers. Slowly through this time, the Lord began to stir in my heart. I could feel that I was slowly refocusing my eyes on Him, which I realized had been a very long time. I began to feel a release and truly worship my Savior. Now I have only heard the Lord speak to me a few times, but when He does I know it is Him. During my prayer and worship time the Lord said to me, no more, meaning no more relationship with my boyfriend. As I continued to pray and have this conversation with the Lord, I began to fully release myself and say, okay, Lord. If that is what you are asking me to do then I will end this. I will remain obedient in You. I will do what you ask of me. I have to say that my heart was truly sad to hear the Lord say this, but I also felt such great peace in what the Lord had asked of me. I was spending time in prayer and finally released my boyfriend to the Lord and allowed the Lord to have the last and final part of my life. Through my time with the Lord, He continued to speak to me. After I released my boyfriend to the Lord and gave the Lord my complete and full heart, our conversation changed. He revealed to me that we were being selfish with our time, we would spend our time getting to know each other's hearts, but somehow never shared our time with the Lord. We left the Lord out of our relationship, He was not in our conversations and was ignored. The Lord continued to speak to me saying the He sacrificed everything, it was time for us to sacrifice our time too. He told me, if this relationship is going to continue forward, then things have to change. Your time has to become mine. That is the only way I will allow this relationship to remain. I felt such peace because I knew this was the Lord speaking to me. I knew that He meant what He said. So I told the Lord if this is what He wanted, He would receive this. I asked the Lord though that if this is what He was truly saying to me and wanted, that He would also speak to my boyfriend as well. I prayed that the Lord would stir in His heart as well and bring his heart to the same place as mine, I feel such peace because I now feel that my relationship with my boyfriend is completely in the Lord's hands. I believed His hand is in this. I am so excited because there is going to be such a great change in our relationship, but the Lord will bless it and it will be so good. 

I believe that maybe the Lord was testing me to see if I would actually give up this relationship. Like the testing of Abraham with Isaac. The Lord simply wanted to know if He was willing. The Lord simply wanted to know if I was truly willing to give this up. I am willing to give anything up for the Lord now.  I trust in His divine plan. 

July 19, 2011

A life of sacrifice..?

God and I have been playing tug-a-war for the past few months. As I prepare for this trip in January, He has been preparing my heart. Through my prayer time the Lord has asked me to give everything up to Him.  And through time, I have been able to accomplish this. I have come to a place where I like the luxuries in my life, such as running hot water, my bed, a fridge full of food, a couch, and lights but I know I can freely live without them and live in total contentment. The problem is that I have surrendered all those things to the Lord, but a few things. I just recently learned to surrender my relationships with my family and friends to the Lord. I realize my family will never cease loving me and will always be there for me no matter where I am. My friendships, I know the same. But the one relationship God and I are fighting over right now is the one with my boyfriend. This one is the most complicated and I think that is why the Lord is asking for me to give it up to Him. Now I have reached a place where I am totally honest with the Lord. I have been telling the Lord that He is going to have to fight hard for this one. I am not going to just give it to Him. Now understand this, I want to give it to the Lord, but my heart is so wrapped around this relationship so tightly that I am struggling so much. I also know that this relationship has become an idol in my life. My boyfriend has become my savior and saving grace many times, when He should never take that place. So right now I am journeying through the Lord as He slowly recaptures my heart. I am on the journey to find my first true Love again. 

June 18, 2011

Nothing or everything?

 I am lost without my Shepherd. I am sad without my Joy. I am angry without my Peace. I am hateful without my Love. I am scared without my Protector. I am anxious without my Savior. I am useless without my purpose. I am nothing without my God.

But with my God, I am everything. I have direction and purpose. I have joy. I have peace. I have love. I have courage. I have everything. I am everything with my God. 

June 15, 2011

He is the Potter

Well my blog is now taking a turning point because I am now blogging with a complete open heart and great vulnerability. I have come to a place where I must be completely honest with myself and it hurts so bad. I feel like I have been in a very dark time in my life for the past year as I have been battling with my health and emotions.

Last summer I entered into one of the hardest times of my life where I unknowingly lived with a deep depression that killed every happy thing in my life. I gradually got better until one day I felt like I snapped out of it and was back to my normal. But looking back, I am not sure I snapped out of it. I experienced a deep and constant depression, but I think that right now I am still depressed just not in a constant state of it. This breaks my heart to know that I have become a deep and saddened soul of the world. My world is run off of my emotions which makes my life incredibly unpredictable, edgy, reactive, and an overall kill joy. I am honestly so tired of being emotional and living my life where I hide and cry to myself when emotions hit me hard. I feel that I often live in this world alone and I fake it many days that everything is all right. I do not know how to have relationships anymore because my life is built off of every emotion felt. I have reached a  crossroad in my life where I either choose to wallow in my sadness or I choose to step up and not let it control me. The problem is I am beyond exhausted from being so emotional and I am fighting this on my own meaning I often don't choose to wallow in my depression, but I often don't have the energy to fight it. The part that is so confusing to me is that I don't feel a constant sadness and I often don't even feel this deep depression, but when I do it hits me so hard and suddenly that I don't even know where it came from or why I even feel that sadness. I live in a world of confusion and unpredictability, alone and hidden. It is my own fault that I hide it from everyone too. I know that if I told those around me what was truly going on that would support me and help me completely. I am just too afraid to open my heart up and allow them to enter into my deepest pains with me. I understand that this sounds like the most depressing blog you could have possibly read and I am sorry for that. I just feel that I must stop hiding.

One really good thing that has come out of this is my relationship with the Lord. It has been a tug-a-war battle between us. By this I mean, I often feel so sad, that I don't even know what to say to the Lord. I know He can help me, but I honestly do doubt that He can lift this heavy burden off of my shoulders. The funny part about all of this, is that I have seen Him restore me and heal me over and over; yet I doubt Him every time. God keeps breaking me down to push me closer and closer to Him. I often find myself in a place of complete brokenness and helplessness, crying out to the Lord to do something, anything.

One of my favorite verses are Psalm 30:11-12 where it says, "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent."

I have absolutely no doubt that God is faithful to me and carrying me through this. I know my Lord and He is one that will never abandon me, but only draw closer to me. I have faith that the Lord is holding my life in His hands, shaping me day by day. Isaiah 64:8

April 27, 2011

Who am I to God?

Today I was thinking about how important I am to God. I have always been taught that we need God in our life and we do. We truly need a Lord and a Savior in our lives. But today I was wondering if God needed me?  I was wondering if I am important to God? Do I really matter to the creator of the universe? I am honestly not sure if God needs me, but I do know that I am important to God and that I truly do matter to Him. If I wasn't important to Him then He would have never died in my place. I realized today that it doesn't matter if I am not important to people. Of course I want to matter in people's lives, but I don't need that. I only need to matter to one person, the Redeemer of my soul. I want peace knowing that I only need the love of my Savior. And if all else fails in this world, I will not fail because my life matters to my Daddy.  I may fail in my eyes, but in my Lord's eyes I have succeeded. I think that my failures are His plans sometimes. My life is protected by my King. My heart is safe in my Protector's love. I am wanted by My Daddy. I am loved by the Love of my life. I am the daughter of a King who never stops giving. I am the love of a Savior who never stops loving. 

April 25, 2011

What's worth my life?

It's has been way too long since I have blogged. I have been in a stagnant state. I am in school (which I am loving) and I am continuing everyday doing the safe thing. I absolutely hate that. I feel like every time I am in school I let time pass before me. I do that because I am not good in school, I really struggle to get decent grades. Studying, homework, papers, test, all of it takes up all my time. That is not okay with me at all. What about time for my relationships? What about time with my Lord? When I am school I don't have that time so maybe that means something needs to change. My life is short. I could die as I type this out or tomorrow or in a few years. I have no idea when I will leave this earth so I might as well live it to the fullest. Is it really worth living my life for something that doesn't matter? I only have one purpose in life. I only have one reason to live. My Savior, my Redeemer, my Healer, my Daddy, He is the reason I live. Maybe it is time for me to cut down on my units in school simply so I can spend time with my Daddy. I want to pursue the Lord. I want to know Christ as He knows me. I want to serve and give to others as Christ served and gave. Christ gave the ultimate sacrifice: death. He took every single sin of every single person: past, present, and future and carried the weight on His shoulders. He was tormented, beat, stabbed, wiped, mocked, humiliated, and killed. His hands and feet were literally nailed into planks of wood. 1 Peter 4:1. How can I be so selfish with my time when Jesus was selfless with his life? He sacrificed absolutely everything for me and all I do is tell Him I don't have time for Him. Who am I to not sacrifice? I don't even deserve my life, yet God chose to give me grace. He decided to love on me. I want to give up my selfish ways. I was put on this earth to shine the love and sacrifice of Christ. I want people to know me as the girl that gave everything up. The girl that sacrificed everything. The girl that loved holding nothing back and expecting nothing back as Christ did. The girl that gave grace and never stopped forgiving. The girl that shined Christ's love. That is the girl I want to be.

My life verse has always been 1 John 4:19 because Christ loved us first. He is the reason we love others. 

January 27, 2011

I will not fight back with a weapon, but with a greater force: love.

I am burdened and my heart is heavy. I feel defeated by the enemy. The weight of the world lies on my shoulders. I feel as if I am slowly and quietly sinking into the ground, disappearing from everybody and everything I know. Satan has slowly conquered me, wearing me down one fight at a time. He has destroyed my strength I once knew, the strength that was once given to me by My Lord. He has destroyed my confidence in who I am, the identity I once held, given to me by the Greatest of Kings. He has destroyed my courage, the courage once bestowed to me by the Conqueror of all mankind. Satan has fed lies to me that I believed. Yes, I did believe every single lie Satan fed me. I was like a fish in the sea deceived by the bait on a hook. Except I didn't learn from the first time, I believed that maybe, just maybe something good could come out from that hook. I became weaker and weaker as I was deceived over and over. I was completely broken down to nothing, I could no longer fight with my own strength. I needed something or someone bigger and greater than me that could fight this fight. I had no choice but to fall back into the arms of My Father. I stumbled back, tripping and falling on my way, as tears ran down my face, ashamed of my foolishness. My Daddy took me back with more grace than I ever knew He possessed. He fought my fight, I never had to do it alone. I thought that I had to fight my own battles, alone. I was very wrong, my Daddy wanted to fight with me. I now rest in His arms, free from the enemy's lies for now. This fight is not just mine, it is My Protector's fight too. Together we will fight back, but not with weapons. We will fight back with the most powerful force there is, love. 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39

January 10, 2011

God, you win. (A prayer)

God, you win. I have tried to hold it together for so long and be on my own. I didn’t want You involved. I wanted to explore life without you. I have succeeded in living my life on my own, I really have. But I have failed at all the important things in my life. You let me go, You let me live my life on, but my life came up empty without you. I had the worst semester I have ever experienced, my relationships continued to fail, my walk with you faded into nothing, and now here I am feeling like nothing. You gave me the chance so many times to pursue you, to have godly relationships, to be back with you, and I rejected every single opportunity. I have done an incredible job building walls up, keeping every single person around me at a distance, a safe distance. I am tired of being hurt over and over. I am tired of coming up disappointed every time. I am tired of the same way of living. I am tired of this routine. I am tired of being told how to have a relationship with you. I am done with the fake ways. I am done with the lies. I am done with the hurt. I am done with the pain. But mostly I am done with the walls. I can’t continue living on, empty. You win. You have broken me down to nothing. You have made my health bad. You have made my relationships fail. You have allowed my heart to hurt. You have allowed me to run. Now I am paying. My heart feels dead. My life feels empty. My relationships seem hopeless. My choices have stopped me from doing so many things, but yet I feel like I have done more things, but things that are meaningless. I have done things to rebel and to make You mad. I have tested You. I have tested Your promises. You have broken me down to nothing. You have broken me down with no choices. You have broken me down with no energy to fight or run anymore. You win, I am tired of fighting and I am tired of running. I am tired of shutting down and building my walls. I am done with my ways and I am coming back.