January 27, 2011

I will not fight back with a weapon, but with a greater force: love.

I am burdened and my heart is heavy. I feel defeated by the enemy. The weight of the world lies on my shoulders. I feel as if I am slowly and quietly sinking into the ground, disappearing from everybody and everything I know. Satan has slowly conquered me, wearing me down one fight at a time. He has destroyed my strength I once knew, the strength that was once given to me by My Lord. He has destroyed my confidence in who I am, the identity I once held, given to me by the Greatest of Kings. He has destroyed my courage, the courage once bestowed to me by the Conqueror of all mankind. Satan has fed lies to me that I believed. Yes, I did believe every single lie Satan fed me. I was like a fish in the sea deceived by the bait on a hook. Except I didn't learn from the first time, I believed that maybe, just maybe something good could come out from that hook. I became weaker and weaker as I was deceived over and over. I was completely broken down to nothing, I could no longer fight with my own strength. I needed something or someone bigger and greater than me that could fight this fight. I had no choice but to fall back into the arms of My Father. I stumbled back, tripping and falling on my way, as tears ran down my face, ashamed of my foolishness. My Daddy took me back with more grace than I ever knew He possessed. He fought my fight, I never had to do it alone. I thought that I had to fight my own battles, alone. I was very wrong, my Daddy wanted to fight with me. I now rest in His arms, free from the enemy's lies for now. This fight is not just mine, it is My Protector's fight too. Together we will fight back, but not with weapons. We will fight back with the most powerful force there is, love. 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39

January 10, 2011

God, you win. (A prayer)

God, you win. I have tried to hold it together for so long and be on my own. I didn’t want You involved. I wanted to explore life without you. I have succeeded in living my life on my own, I really have. But I have failed at all the important things in my life. You let me go, You let me live my life on, but my life came up empty without you. I had the worst semester I have ever experienced, my relationships continued to fail, my walk with you faded into nothing, and now here I am feeling like nothing. You gave me the chance so many times to pursue you, to have godly relationships, to be back with you, and I rejected every single opportunity. I have done an incredible job building walls up, keeping every single person around me at a distance, a safe distance. I am tired of being hurt over and over. I am tired of coming up disappointed every time. I am tired of the same way of living. I am tired of this routine. I am tired of being told how to have a relationship with you. I am done with the fake ways. I am done with the lies. I am done with the hurt. I am done with the pain. But mostly I am done with the walls. I can’t continue living on, empty. You win. You have broken me down to nothing. You have made my health bad. You have made my relationships fail. You have allowed my heart to hurt. You have allowed me to run. Now I am paying. My heart feels dead. My life feels empty. My relationships seem hopeless. My choices have stopped me from doing so many things, but yet I feel like I have done more things, but things that are meaningless. I have done things to rebel and to make You mad. I have tested You. I have tested Your promises. You have broken me down to nothing. You have broken me down with no choices. You have broken me down with no energy to fight or run anymore. You win, I am tired of fighting and I am tired of running. I am tired of shutting down and building my walls. I am done with my ways and I am coming back.