January 10, 2011
God, you win. (A prayer)
God, you win. I have tried to hold it together for so long and be on my own. I didn’t want You involved. I wanted to explore life without you. I have succeeded in living my life on my own, I really have. But I have failed at all the important things in my life. You let me go, You let me live my life on, but my life came up empty without you. I had the worst semester I have ever experienced, my relationships continued to fail, my walk with you faded into nothing, and now here I am feeling like nothing. You gave me the chance so many times to pursue you, to have godly relationships, to be back with you, and I rejected every single opportunity. I have done an incredible job building walls up, keeping every single person around me at a distance, a safe distance. I am tired of being hurt over and over. I am tired of coming up disappointed every time. I am tired of the same way of living. I am tired of this routine. I am tired of being told how to have a relationship with you. I am done with the fake ways. I am done with the lies. I am done with the hurt. I am done with the pain. But mostly I am done with the walls. I can’t continue living on, empty. You win. You have broken me down to nothing. You have made my health bad. You have made my relationships fail. You have allowed my heart to hurt. You have allowed me to run. Now I am paying. My heart feels dead. My life feels empty. My relationships seem hopeless. My choices have stopped me from doing so many things, but yet I feel like I have done more things, but things that are meaningless. I have done things to rebel and to make You mad. I have tested You. I have tested Your promises. You have broken me down to nothing. You have broken me down with no choices. You have broken me down with no energy to fight or run anymore. You win, I am tired of fighting and I am tired of running. I am tired of shutting down and building my walls. I am done with my ways and I am coming back.