June 15, 2011

He is the Potter

Well my blog is now taking a turning point because I am now blogging with a complete open heart and great vulnerability. I have come to a place where I must be completely honest with myself and it hurts so bad. I feel like I have been in a very dark time in my life for the past year as I have been battling with my health and emotions.

Last summer I entered into one of the hardest times of my life where I unknowingly lived with a deep depression that killed every happy thing in my life. I gradually got better until one day I felt like I snapped out of it and was back to my normal. But looking back, I am not sure I snapped out of it. I experienced a deep and constant depression, but I think that right now I am still depressed just not in a constant state of it. This breaks my heart to know that I have become a deep and saddened soul of the world. My world is run off of my emotions which makes my life incredibly unpredictable, edgy, reactive, and an overall kill joy. I am honestly so tired of being emotional and living my life where I hide and cry to myself when emotions hit me hard. I feel that I often live in this world alone and I fake it many days that everything is all right. I do not know how to have relationships anymore because my life is built off of every emotion felt. I have reached a  crossroad in my life where I either choose to wallow in my sadness or I choose to step up and not let it control me. The problem is I am beyond exhausted from being so emotional and I am fighting this on my own meaning I often don't choose to wallow in my depression, but I often don't have the energy to fight it. The part that is so confusing to me is that I don't feel a constant sadness and I often don't even feel this deep depression, but when I do it hits me so hard and suddenly that I don't even know where it came from or why I even feel that sadness. I live in a world of confusion and unpredictability, alone and hidden. It is my own fault that I hide it from everyone too. I know that if I told those around me what was truly going on that would support me and help me completely. I am just too afraid to open my heart up and allow them to enter into my deepest pains with me. I understand that this sounds like the most depressing blog you could have possibly read and I am sorry for that. I just feel that I must stop hiding.

One really good thing that has come out of this is my relationship with the Lord. It has been a tug-a-war battle between us. By this I mean, I often feel so sad, that I don't even know what to say to the Lord. I know He can help me, but I honestly do doubt that He can lift this heavy burden off of my shoulders. The funny part about all of this, is that I have seen Him restore me and heal me over and over; yet I doubt Him every time. God keeps breaking me down to push me closer and closer to Him. I often find myself in a place of complete brokenness and helplessness, crying out to the Lord to do something, anything.

One of my favorite verses are Psalm 30:11-12 where it says, "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent."

I have absolutely no doubt that God is faithful to me and carrying me through this. I know my Lord and He is one that will never abandon me, but only draw closer to me. I have faith that the Lord is holding my life in His hands, shaping me day by day. Isaiah 64:8

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