July 26, 2011

The Testing of Abraham.

My Lord is good. I went to church on Sunday night and the sermon was amazing. Then there was extended worship at the end where I had time to truly reflect. I needed the with the Lord so badly. The Lord has no problem giving me what I ask for. I have been praying that the Lord would give me courage to surrender my boyfriend to Him. I have been praying that the Lord would teach me to rely and trust in Him. Most of all I have been praying that God would release the strong holds I have wrapped around my heart involving my boyfriend. During my time in worship I continued to pray these prayers. Slowly through this time, the Lord began to stir in my heart. I could feel that I was slowly refocusing my eyes on Him, which I realized had been a very long time. I began to feel a release and truly worship my Savior. Now I have only heard the Lord speak to me a few times, but when He does I know it is Him. During my prayer and worship time the Lord said to me, no more, meaning no more relationship with my boyfriend. As I continued to pray and have this conversation with the Lord, I began to fully release myself and say, okay, Lord. If that is what you are asking me to do then I will end this. I will remain obedient in You. I will do what you ask of me. I have to say that my heart was truly sad to hear the Lord say this, but I also felt such great peace in what the Lord had asked of me. I was spending time in prayer and finally released my boyfriend to the Lord and allowed the Lord to have the last and final part of my life. Through my time with the Lord, He continued to speak to me. After I released my boyfriend to the Lord and gave the Lord my complete and full heart, our conversation changed. He revealed to me that we were being selfish with our time, we would spend our time getting to know each other's hearts, but somehow never shared our time with the Lord. We left the Lord out of our relationship, He was not in our conversations and was ignored. The Lord continued to speak to me saying the He sacrificed everything, it was time for us to sacrifice our time too. He told me, if this relationship is going to continue forward, then things have to change. Your time has to become mine. That is the only way I will allow this relationship to remain. I felt such peace because I knew this was the Lord speaking to me. I knew that He meant what He said. So I told the Lord if this is what He wanted, He would receive this. I asked the Lord though that if this is what He was truly saying to me and wanted, that He would also speak to my boyfriend as well. I prayed that the Lord would stir in His heart as well and bring his heart to the same place as mine, I feel such peace because I now feel that my relationship with my boyfriend is completely in the Lord's hands. I believed His hand is in this. I am so excited because there is going to be such a great change in our relationship, but the Lord will bless it and it will be so good. 

I believe that maybe the Lord was testing me to see if I would actually give up this relationship. Like the testing of Abraham with Isaac. The Lord simply wanted to know if He was willing. The Lord simply wanted to know if I was truly willing to give this up. I am willing to give anything up for the Lord now.  I trust in His divine plan. 

July 19, 2011

A life of sacrifice..?

God and I have been playing tug-a-war for the past few months. As I prepare for this trip in January, He has been preparing my heart. Through my prayer time the Lord has asked me to give everything up to Him.  And through time, I have been able to accomplish this. I have come to a place where I like the luxuries in my life, such as running hot water, my bed, a fridge full of food, a couch, and lights but I know I can freely live without them and live in total contentment. The problem is that I have surrendered all those things to the Lord, but a few things. I just recently learned to surrender my relationships with my family and friends to the Lord. I realize my family will never cease loving me and will always be there for me no matter where I am. My friendships, I know the same. But the one relationship God and I are fighting over right now is the one with my boyfriend. This one is the most complicated and I think that is why the Lord is asking for me to give it up to Him. Now I have reached a place where I am totally honest with the Lord. I have been telling the Lord that He is going to have to fight hard for this one. I am not going to just give it to Him. Now understand this, I want to give it to the Lord, but my heart is so wrapped around this relationship so tightly that I am struggling so much. I also know that this relationship has become an idol in my life. My boyfriend has become my savior and saving grace many times, when He should never take that place. So right now I am journeying through the Lord as He slowly recaptures my heart. I am on the journey to find my first true Love again.