September 23, 2011

Nothing to say. Lost for words.

I find that some days I get hit with a major reality check really fast, often faster than I am ready for. Today was one of those days. I have been hit with the question of "do I truly have a relationship with the Lord?" If you are wondering what the answer is, well it's no. I thought I did up until today when I realized that I have been trying to have a relationship with the Lord. But my heart is not in it right now because my heart is in a million pieces. I believe it is impossible to have a relationship with the Lord when your heart is absent. I have had a rough relationship with the Lord for the past couple years. I have so many names and events in my head right now that I want to blame for this instability. I have so many reasons and excuses for why my relationship is the way it is right now.

But I know better than that. I know that no one and no event should have the power to determine my relationship with the Lord. But sadly, I think it does. I think I have allowed my relationship with the Lord to be determined my these outside factors. I find my mind wondering back to the "glory days" of my relationship with the Lord. I think about the days when my faith showed in every circumstance no matter what. My faith became what I was known for. I remember what it felt and looked like to have a relationship with the Lord. But all those times were connected to one place: my church. My faith grew so much with my time at the church. But once I graduated from High School everything changed and pain took over. A lot of damage was done during my senior year by some people and some events and I think it instantly shut my heart down. The Lord cannot reach a closed heart. I think since then I have been searching to find a relationship with the Lord that is not associated with this place where my pain still feels so real. I think it is heartbreaking that a place, event, or people can cause someone to not want to have the same relationship with the Lord that they had before. I think I have been in pursuit of a relationship with the Lord that maybe is right in front of me. I was hit with this reality today. The thing is I do want a relationship with the Lord actually so badly that I have been literally crying out to the Lord to help me. I have been praying in desperation that the Lord would restore me and draw me close to Him. Yet after months of this, I hear absolutely nothing. To be completely honest I think I have been turned off of my faith because these things that happened my senior year were all associated with the church. All the people were pastors who had personal relationships with the Lord.

Is it possible that my heart could still be so shattered that I can't find my way to the Lord? Is it possible for me to say that I have so much pain that I do not know how to be with the Lord? It is possible for me, who has been a Christian all my life, to need to start new with the Lord? Is it possible that I feel so broken that I do not know how to pray or what that looks like? Is it possible for the Lord to pursue me and restore me? How broken does my heart have to be before the Lord wipes away my tears? I know the Lord can restore my broken heart, but can He wash away the pain that binds my heart? Will the Lord meet me right where I am?

My mind is spinning with questions. Some questions I have faith and believe are true and some I honestly doubt. I only have questions right now. I have no answers. I have no solutions. I only have a broken heart, waiting and hoping that the Lord with piece back together and bind with His heart, not my pain.